Ronald was a good friend of mine. And Anita was his girlfriend.
Well, not any longer. She was now his ex-girlfriend.
They'd split up. And I got asked for my feedback: “So, what did you think of her, anyway?” Well, I told him what I thought about her.
Did you ever get the feeling of putting your foot in your mouth?
Well that's exactly what happened. The two of them got back together again, got married, and guess who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Welcome to the crummy side of feedback
When people ask for feedback, you're never really sure what they want. Do they want you to tell them the truth? Or would they just prefer to hear some sugar-coated lies instead? Because the truth is that most of us just don't want to hear what we're doing wrong.
And we know this to be true, because the moment someone starts to us give feedback and keeps at it, there's a sort of boiling point. A point where we just want the other person to shut up.
And yet shutting the other person up is the worst thing we can do
Because now you've lost the chance to have your mistakes analysed. And that's just fine if you don't plan to build on your talent. Because when you think about it, talent is simply the reduction of mistakes. But now, because you have no external feedback, your progress is going to be painfully slow.
An outsider can spot way more mistakes than you can, simply because you're too close to your work. To improve dramatically quickly, you need to make hundreds, even thousands of mistakes. And then of course, it's time to fix those mistakes based on the feedback.
What's interesting is that this feedback is very useful to the giver as well
If the giver of the feedback is learning a similar skill as you, then the feedback helps the giver as well. When they criticise your work in any way, they are almost always reminding themselves to fix their own work.
So for instance, if I'm teaching someone how to improve their ‘bonuses' on the copywriting course, I will almost always be thinking of what I've done, where I've gone wrong, and put a marker to make sure I get it right in future. When I give feedback, invariably I'm learning as well.
But what if you don't react well to feedback?
Feedback is never, ever, ever, ever, ever nice. That's because feedback is about exposing your flaws and then rubbing some salt in it for good measure. Feedback always feels crummy, no matter who you are, or what you've done in your life.
And if you let feedback tilt you into a whirlpool of depression, then you're in a lot of trouble. Feel bad, mumble, grumble, even curse if you like. But then take the feedback and fix the issues.
And it's not like you have to fix every issue
There are times when you may not agree with the feedback. Or you may want to fix things but it's impossible to fix—for whatever reason. And that's fine too. Fix whatever you can, and move on.
You have to ask yourself: Am I ready to move on?
If you are truly ready to improve yourself, then ask for feedback and take it without mumbling. In fact, beg for more, because it will help you fix those mistakes a lot quicker than if you plodded your own path.
And please don't drop hints for the giver to tone down the feedback. Because all you're really doing is forcing the given to clam up.
And remember that while we're all reluctant to give feedback at first, we do so happily once given the permission. And this is because when we give feedback, we learn as well.
So what's your next step?
Do you want to get some genuine feedback? Well, if that's true, get yourself prepared, because the crummy side of feedback is coming your way. Brace yourself. It's the best—and worst— thing that's ever happened to you!
P.S. What are your views on feedback? Share your ideas here.
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Good morning Sean!
Err – not sure I agree with you on this one. I think using the term feedback is a bit misleading – seems to me that you might be talking about constructive criticism (uncomfortable but helpful) as compared with outright criticism (hurtful and unhelpful). With the former you have something to build on, the latter is purely destructive – and I suspect motivated by negative emotions (jealousy; nastiness;etc.).
Feedback on the other hand can be either (constructive) criticism and/or praise.
Overall, you make a very clear and strong comment about the importance of taking (constructive) criticism graciously and using it to best effect. I’d also include accepting and using praise in the same manner.
Hope that’s balanced feedback 😉
I’ve mentioned it elsewhere in the comments, but even hurtful feedback is extremely useful. It of course depends on your temperament. Some people may go into deep depression because of hurtful feedback. And others may not. I personally think you have to train yourself like a jet pilot does. To put yourself in the spin and get out of it. The spin isn’t something that a pilot likes because it’s scary and may lead to death, but getting out the spin is critical. And I think that analogy relates back to feedback as well.
You need a hard skin, but not so hard that you can’t hear or listen to the feedback. I’ve yet to find unhelpful feedback, even when it’s incredibly frustrating to me. For example, we had a series of workshops across the US and Europe. One of the big elements of the workshop was criticised at one of the venues (by just a few people). I was a bit rattled. A lot rattled. So I spoke to others. And as a result of the feedback and the conversation with others, I realised that I was wrong in assuming that everyone hated the element (see above). In fact, in future workshops I’d dedicate a solid portion of the sales page explaining just why we have that element and how it’s useful. And if the participants don’t want to come, that’s fine. Some will and some won’t. And that’s the key. Without the feedback, brutal as it is, you can’t know what’s bugging people. And you can’t “fix” it.
In this case, the “fix” would be to exclude that group of people from future workshops. Self-exclusion, no less 😉
Better a complaining customer who’s still with you, than a silent one who already left.
I love this one, very near to my heart. Had to LOL when I was reading the email.
Beware ever being asked for, volunteering, or giving “advice”, even if the request is disguised as “feedback” and posed genuinely.
I agree 110% that feedback is absolutely critical – and without it none of our online advertising systems would work, or improve their performance.
I for one never ever volunteer, or give on demand, “advice” because the connotation is all wrong as you point out in your post.
I will, however, give feedback in the form of “if that was my situation, this is what I would do…”. There’s no strings attached to that one.
Back in my days of practising Buddhism, the concept of “feedback” is known and treated very differently and seriously.
It’s called instead “guidance” – and it carries a heavy responsibility for both parties, the receiver and the giver.
To receive it, you have to want and ask for it with absolute commitment to following it, however unpleasant. If you can’t, you don’t even ask.
To give it, you have to absolutely feel you have the required wisdom to add value to the asker’s situation. If you can’t, you can’t give it.
I look forward to seeing more in this series Sean!
Hmmm, didn’t know it was a series.
I guess we can do more on this, right?
🙂
Just back from Merry ol’ England and now in the US.
Sorry I missed you, you were close by but as ever family commitments prevented.
Your message had the feel to it that more would come, as you sometimes do followups. Maybe I misinterpreted.
But it does seem as though there’s fruitful material here for more from you on this subject …
Oh, more will come. 🙂 Your post encouraged me to have more. By the way, there’s a ton of this topic in 5000bc (if you’re a member) at: https://www.5000bc.com/index.php?option=com_jfusion&Itemid=100063&jfile=index.php&topic=9746.0 (The Screechy Sound of Feedback)
Even a blind chicken eventually finds food.
How blind do we want to be? As blind as that chicken pecking in the dark or listening to the other chickens around us who already know where the food is.
In the end, I suppose the level of honesty we want from feedback has everything to do with how hungry we are.
I agree.
If you’re not hungry as hell to improve, you’ll temper your questions to get the feedback you want to hear. That’s fine, but it’s not for me. I’m rattled by the blast of feedback, but it doesn’t kill me. And it makes our products and services a lot better.
Yes, feedback is essential, but you don’t want to be on the sharp end of someone’s pent up frustrations. I have observed what I call “emotional asymmetry” where given an opportunity; people will unload the freight of collected injustices that will make you regret even asking, so be as prepared for feedback as you would be for your presentation.
When the need arises that you have/want to ask for feedback, take the position that gives you the most control by asking for feedback on specific features of your presentation with closed questions such as “Did you notice how many times I said OK,” Short answers allow you to qualify your correspondent which then allows you to relax and ask for more nervy feedback, or not.
If you’re asked for feedback, start by expressing how *you* were impacted, so you allow the asker to qualify you as safe. Of course you’re in the q.v. to make sure you emotional content is minimal. Then see what develops.
In every case, prepare yourself with a closer so that you can stop unwanted emotionality of someone who want to give more than you’re prepared to receive.
Think of using feedback (in either direction) as an opportunity to develop a relationship, rather than a dumfest
I’ve rarely found feedback to be not useful.
Even when feedback is aggressive, it enables me to understand what the person expects, and then later pre-empt that problem. e.g. If the person says: The room is too cold, then I can preempt that position, by telling them in advance that the room is too cold. And that they need to get sweaters.
I’m not so sure I agree. I’m keen on getting the full blast of feedback, with open ended questions. Closed ended questions will get specific answers to issues I’m concerned about, and it’s what I’d do. I’d ask close ended questions in that case. But I also let them vent. I’ve found a ton of stuff I could not have dreamed up, by keeping the question closed questions.
I’m happy to get the emotion right back at me. This is because of the way I’ll direct the feedback. Some of the issues can be fixed and some can’t. And for those that can’t I need to be able to manage the perception in future. Without the emotion, I won’t get that feedback (that may be aggressive, or not). While it’s not soothing in any way, it’s instructive for future situations.
Human nature dictates feedback context which, in all likelihood, will be agenda driven. Perspective and the ability to effectively pivot based on many variables including, but not limited to, feedback will ultimately determine successful service levels.
Thick, empathetic skin is a demanding juxtaposition.
Sure, but juxtaposition to what? 🙂
Morning Sean,
Interesting take on the topic and of course all feedback is valuable but it comes in many forms not just critical. To suggest that ‘Feedback is never, ever, ever, ever, ever nice’ is to view the topic very narrowly. For example, what about the reinforcing feedback you give to a child when you want them to repeat a behaviour? Or what about the advice you give to someone when you see them do something that you believe can be done another more beneficial way? Even ‘silence’ (i.e. perceived as no feedback) is feedback!!!
The concept of constructive criticism as a form of feedback is also an interesting idea. How can criticism be constructive when it hurts and leaves the unprepared recipient bruised and regretting they ever asked (assuming they did).
Top sports people request feedback from their coaches continually. Their focus? Feeding back 80% on what they did right to reinforce and 20 % on what might be improved. That’s balanced feedback.
I’m also
I guess we do enter the zone of ‘semantics’.
I usually look at feedback as “harsh” and testimonials as “complimentary”.
But that’s black and white.
I’ve kept it a bit black and white on purpose.
But yes, there are all the shades of grey in between as well.
P.S. Your post was not complete 🙂 I’m keen to see what else you had to say.
In the paragraph re good for the giver as well:
Second sentence has a proofreading error that someone missed: it should be “they “instead of”the”
Helpful comments overall. This is something that is never talked about. Thanks for taking this on, Sean.
I’ll fix that. Thanks, Fay 🙂
Done. 🙂
Hi Sean,
I hear you on feedback. I once had a sister-in-law ask for feedback to help her marriage to my brother. Disaster!!! Like you, I learned a valuable lesson.
My technical training job required that we get feedback on the training courses we developed. Those sessions often became very heated. One rule above all others was accompanied by some severe penalties. WE COULD NOT GET MAD OR SHOW ANGER. I sure learned to accept criticism since then.
I suggest that a forum be set up to criticize each others work. Again, a severe punishment for anger of sarcasm. Time out from the forum.
Paul
Yes, even for feedback (especially in a group) there have to be rules. But if you don’t have a group and you’re the one who has to take the brunt of the feedback, I think there needs to be a “rules” and “no-rules” component to all feedback.
I think the free flowing negatives have their place. I take feedback very seriously. I’ll write more about it. And oh, nice to see you post here 🙂 Your first comment, I can see.
You’ll find a lot to read and see and listen to (if you’re into audio and video) too. 😉
I would argue there’s no such thing as bad feedback! All feedback is instructional.
Here are some practical tips for managing the “pain” that comes with feedback – tools to help you process the information as the gift that it is, rather than internalize is as hurt and resentment:
1. Feedback is almost always as much about the person GIVING the feedback as it is about yourself. Feedback always comes from a person with experience, perceptions, and their own personal biases. The criticism reveals some pain they have. Seek to understand what would cause them to say what they said, and respond to those motives, rather than the specific words (especially if the feedback is coming from the person materially involved in your situation). If my wife gives me “feedback” about constantly being home late, that’s really less about me and my failings, and instead more about her and her desire for my help and company (and relief from being at home with four kids!) She’s not really criticizing me, so much as asking for help in a critical way. With that in mind, much of the sting is gone, though the responsibility for change/action is still mine.
2. When either soliciting feedback or negotiating an unsolicited feedback event, direct the comments towards changeable action. Most of us are grown ups (despite some of our best efforts) and are unlikely to change who we are easily. However, if we focus instead on a process that would produce a more desirable result we can depersonalize the criticism and focus on adjusting the process. This helps ourselves be less emotionally involved, but also steers the feedback giver away from personal attacks and concentrates their energy on productive, helpful, actionable information.
3. As mentioned in the original post, feedback is CRITICAL to change and growth. The best way to keep feedback flowing is to ALWAYS follow-up (especially to challenging feedback). Talking to the feedback giver after the fact, incorporating them in your change plans, and keeping them in the loop as the future unfolds demonstrates an incredible maturity. This alone can take a very frustrated client, friend, or whomever much more forgiving of remaining faults, and gets them “bought in” to the improvement. If we get them engaged in improvement as well, they are likely to also change, and the process becomes less one-sided; moving towards a mutually beneficial negotiated middle ground. We’ve actually tracked this in our client feedback research, and found an 83% reduction in future critical feedback when follow-up occurs and is documented.
Those interested in feedback can read a mountain-full on my blog, or request a whitepaper I’ve written on best practices for soliciting feedback (aimed at a business audience, but certainly applicable more broadly in life).
Brilliant reply Lynn!
Feedback can also be viewed as a gift. When I’m coaching families (one of the most volitile groups out there when asking for and receiving feedback) I stress that feedback is just information and comes from the experience of the giver. It is not right or wrong. We get feedback every day. If I can’t zip a zipper – that’s feedback – it’s a result/information. If I miss a deadline – that’s feedback – it’s a result/information. If someone says something about one of my articles – that’s feedback. If I choose to get upset about it, that’s about me – not the person giving the feedback. There are a lot of things that I can take from the feedback that I receive from an article. That person’s not interested in my topic, my topic hit a ‘hot button’ (yay!), they think I’m a horrible writer, I need to ramp up my writing skills and the list could go on and on. Feedback is a gift when I choose to view it as such. When I take feedback as critisicm, that’s my choice and I’m missing the beauty of the gift. The person giving it may have had their own agenda (which is totally about them) but I have the opportunity of taking that information and using it for something greater in my own life.
Sean, thank you for all you put out there!
You’re absolutely right, Lynn. I have said something similar many times.
What would happen if every time someone gave you a birthday present you got angry, yelled, or became passive aggressive? You think the gift giving would stop?
What you do when receiving a gift is critical. An unappreciative response to feedback may eventually lead to the feedback stream stopping as well – and when that happens relationships become very hard to repair; while personal growth stunts.
Great metaphor!
Well, I have gotten sick and tired of “rubbish gifts”, so I have given feedback to folks. Now I do get asked “before” they buy the gifts. So yes, there’s no surprise, but there’s no nasty surprise either.
You’re welcome. And well-written 🙂